schizoids.info
MY SON, A SCHIZOID (Part 2)
By
Isabel Guillén
1-MOMMY! SAVE ME!
It’s your
first birthday, and we have given you a small toy car.
Your face
lights up when you see it and, before you get out of bed, you inspect it
carefully…
You press the hooter and listen,
you
spin the wheels one by one, then move the steering wheel left and right ... only then do
you get up.
Later, you
refuse to leave your walker, and even eat in it.
You walk in
it to every corner of the courtyard, while I inflate balloons, decorate tables,
ice a cake ...
All the while, I hear your little footsteps
and see your radiant face ...
People begin
to arrive: they kiss your cheeks and bring you gifts ...
You
...
…refuse to leave the walker,
forcing everyone to bend down,
you
eye them suspiciously, but with disinterest,
you ignore their
gifts and don’t bother to open them ...
Children
approach you and ask if they can use your walker ... I
tell you that you must share ...
I squat down to your height
...
and
there, in the depths of your eyes, I discover a
plea, an urgent cry for help ...
I lift you
in one arm and your little car in the other, and carry you to my bedroom.
I comfort
you, assure you that we’ll rescue your walker and lock it safely in my closet.
Why did I
never understood that it was you I needed to rescue?
2-
PEOPLE OVERWHELM ME
I pick you
up and return you to the guests, never suspecting that they are the source of
your discomfort.
You blow out
candles, eat cake, accept a thousand kisses and hugs, but ...
… your
dark look tells me that something is
wrong ...
Only when we
are alone, does your expression lighten.
It is very late. It has been
a long day, and we
are both exhausted ...
but
you ask for your walker and ... we stay up
almost until dawn,
you
hold your little car, while I contemplate your happy face.
And, for the
first time, I realize that your prefer solitude, silence,
and
the darkness of night to the company of your peers I am thoughtful:
---What was it
that made you unhappy?
---What was
what it that created tension in your angelic face?
---What was
what it that darkened your expression during the party?
---What did I
do wrong?
I wanted the
day to be perfect ...
3- YOUR SECRET
You have
survived life by fleeing, and escaping to one refuge or another.
Though you have had few
friends, you have always had a rich, inner world,
and
an outward appearance of indifference and detachment.
You
completed your primary and secondary schooling by studying little,
yet
obtaining good grades ,
proof of your superior intellect.
You have had
several partners, all of whom you have kept away from the house.
I wondered why you never
brought them home ...
I always had
the sad suspicion that there was something lacking in me,
in
our home, or in our family that did not fulfil you ...
and
I spent your childhood and adolescence trying to discover what it was.
4-
ON HOLIDAY IN
You are 19
years old.
I'm excited
because we’re going on holiday to the
Though I think you will like
the idea, you show little enthusiasm …
I promise you
...
--- That we
will visit the place where you were born,
visit
the
But it seems that only I am
excited by the prospect...
---
of travelling with 50 teenagers, your father and his
new family, including 3 boys of your own age.
Nothing
seems to excite you ...
whereas your
brother is enthusiastic, and looks forward to travelling.
We
spend 3 days in
And, though
you seem to integrate with them, you maintain a low profile.
I
watch you, and sense that you are uncomfortable.
But I
console myself with the few moments you do enjoy.
.
Today we
separate – the adults and the teenagers go different ways.
As usual,
you are not happy with this idea.
When we
separate, your young brother stays with the adults while you go with the
teenagers.
I feel bad,
and squeeze your brother’s hand as though I am comforting you ....
It's
time to meet up again. Everyone converges at the appointed time ... everyone
except you! … ...
The boys
explain that they lost you in the first minute.
But
it is two hours later, and you have still not re-appeared.…
We search
frantically, calling for you in Spanish and in English ...
I
squeeze your younger brother’s hand as he dries his tears with his free hand.
This
is not the same as the time you did not return from school ... This is
Five hours
have passed and I feel as though I’m going insane.
I
phone the hotel, the concierge tells me that the room keys are still there.
He
encourages me to return to the hotel and ask the police to assist with the
search …
In
several taxis, we all rush to the hotel.…
We are all
confused ... Guilt corrodes my very being.
--- Why did we
separate?
--- Why did the
teenagers not alert me when you disappeared?
Even
your brother blames me:
---"Why didn’t you hold his hand like you hold
mine? "
When
we arrive at the hotel, the concierge identifies me by my panic.
---
“Is it you who has lost the boy?”
Unable to
speak, I merely nod.
---
“Well, relax, because the boy has just arrived” ...
I
find you lying on the bed , watching TV, as though
nothing has happened ...
You
explain that you couldn’t find our assigned meeting place, and returned
to the hotel instead.
I
am so distressed that I decide to end the trip even though we should stay for
several more days.
I
vow to myself that I will never lose you again, because I could not endure a
repeat of today …..
Your
enigmatic look tells me that I
overreacted,
that I
lost control, that it was not so serious, that I am an emotional fool,
that I do not understand you, that the fault
lies with me. And that the pain and guilt is mine
alone.
5 -
A NEW STRATEGY
Today I
understand that ...
the presence of
people triggers your discomfort.
That, when
you were a year old, your dark expression was the result of panic
which arose from your very core.
And that it
had nothing to do with leaving your walker ...
You have
always been this way.
Later,
you learned to protect yourself by shutting people out of your life.
So
you never developed friendships.
Then,
in ignorance, I inflicted on you the torture of being with all those people in
For your own
survival, you were compelled into taking drastic action
And I’ll
never know for sure what you thought, what you did or where you went for those
hours
But one
thing I am certain of is:
That though I felt wounded by pain, you had only been
trying to ease your own.
Now
that I understand, everything is more simple, less
traumatic.
I
no longer blame you, nor myself.
My
only regret is that we wasted so much of our lives …..in
misunderstanding ...
Now,
understanding has enabled me to make allowances.
Only the
closes are invited for your birthday
You
do not like surprises, so I avoid them.
When we go
on holiday , you decide whether to join us or not
and, whatever your decision, I
accept it with joy. If you do come, there are rules of
respect,
and
not sharing your room is one of them. Even on
holiday, you need your refuge.
6 -
YOUR RICH INNER WORLD
Before
I understood,
your habit of being present yet
absent at the same time tormented me.
I wondered
why you were only ever moved by your own inner world,
and I even began to see it as my
enemy.
Today,
I know that your inner world is wise, rich, kind, and discerning.
That
it is where you live in harmony with your personal truth, where you create and live your fantasies.
From this
place, you emerge. And to it, you escape.
Before I
understood,
I thought
you were shy, distracted, indifferent, introverted ...
Today I know that
you are a special being,
that you preserve your sanity by living in two different
worlds : one
that I know and share,
and another - your own - which I
can scarcely imagine, but
which I respect more each day.
Because,
ultimately, this is the place where you protected yourself from
my abundant maternal fear and
instinct.
And
while I floundered, not knowing where to turn, that world was there protecting you
from people who, though they
loved you, caused you deep discomfort.
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