WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS SCHIZOID
(Written from a womanís perspective)
(Submitted by an anonymous visitor to this site.)
Perhaps youíve been driven to this site by a relationship quandary. You are in some kind of relationship
†with a man who is sensitive, †self-sufficient, intellectual, non-prejudiced, and a profound thinker with a natural affinity for animals.
Yet, alongside these positive traits, he shows no signs of emotion, is detached, anti-social, and incapable of intimacy.
Iíve specifically used the term, Ďsome kind of relationshipí because, although he definitely appears to be interested in you,
†he is non-committal, Ďslipperyí, and shows no signs of affection or caring.
†Despite the fact that you never really know where you stand with him,
you persevere because you are more attracted by his positive attributes than you are put off by his negative ones.
†Then suddenly, he stops communicating and withdraws from the relationship for no apparent reason.
†Youíre left feeling bewildered and hurt,† convinced that heís lost interest or found someone else.
Just as your heart is beginning to recover, he resurfaces, fully expecting to take up where he left off.
Through social moulding weíve learned to expect people to respond in certain ways Ė usually in a way similar to our own,
or at least in a manner we are accustomed to. So, when someone responds in unexpected ways,
†itís natural for us to feel insecure and confused.
†If your partner behaves in the ways Iíve described, itís very likely that he has a schizoid personality type. Schizoids donít choose to behave
†the way they do - their behavioural traits are inherent, and they have no control over them.
Schizoids are usually very intelligent and supremely self-sufficient. They are intensely private people with acute interpersonal boundaries.
†Consequently, they require lots of space and solitude, and have little need of friends and family. They are deeply sensitive to intrusiveness,
†dependency, insincerity, and emotional behaviour.
†Despite their self-sufficiency, they require connection just like any other human being,
†and intense loneliness often compels them to reach out for some kind of relationship. The problem is, that once in the relationship,
†they often feel torn between wanting the relationship, and not wanting it. This dichotomy leads to an Ďin and outí pattern of him being
†in the relationship and pulling out of it, which is confusing and hurtful for the other party.
†Though there may not be an obvious reason for the breaks,
†itís usually because things have become too close for the schizoid Ė too many expectations, too many demands, too many questions,
†too much clinging, too much time together, not enough space. The schizoid begins to feel suffocated, has an inherent need
†to flee and seek refuge in solitude. Again, this feeling of suffocation is not something he has any control over.
†Your best defence in this situation is to lie low for a while, give him space and time to recover.
Depending on the type of person you are, chances are, heíll be back.
If youíre in a relationship with a schizoid, itís not going to be easy. Ever. He needs space like you need oxygen.
So donít expect to see him or hear from him regularly, and donít expect him to socialize with your friends and family.
†In fact, donít expect him to do any of the things youíve come to expect from a partner,
†because schizoids are completely different from anyone youíve ever known.
And donít ever believe that, with time, you or therapy will change or Ďcureí him, because you wonít.
Schizoids are special people, with special needs - the fact that a schizoid is with you at all, is meaningful.
And many of them do have long-term relationships.
If you want yours to succeed, you need to have a full life of your own - one where he is not central to your existence.
†Donít expect him to fulfil your needs for affection, closeness and intimacy because he canít. Itís not that he doesnít want to, he is unable to
†As much as you need closeness and intimacy, he needs the opposite Ė SPACE.
†So always maintain some distance between you.
And never make demands Ė especially not emotional ones. If you can accept that this is as good as your relationship is ever going to get
(and you donít secretly hope that things will change), yet you are still able to love and respect him for what he TRULY is,
†then the relationship stands a chance.
But if you long for something more, if you are emotionally needy, or needy in any other way, then it would be best to get out while your heart is still intact.
In reality, a relationship with a schizoid should be little different from any other relationship.
†We can NEVER expect another person to make us happy,
†or to fulfil our emotional needs. Itís just that religion, society, and the arts have led us to believe otherwise.
†(Submitted by an anonymous visitor to this site.)
Page corrected on July, 2011 © Copyright